Former President Donald Trump was arrested at a Manhattan courthouse on Tuesday on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records. The Onion provides a breathless moment-by-moment chronicle of Trump’s arrest and what it means for the country.
Nov. 9, 2016, 8:12 a.m.: Prophetic tweet from liberal pundit foretells eventual reckoning for Trump’s misdeeds.
April 4, 2023, 8:45 a.m.: Pro-Trump demonstrator discards original sign idea for being too coherent.
9:17 a.m.: A disheveled, unshaven Chris Cillizza seen banging on doors to CNN studio.
10:30 a.m.: Red carpet coverage begins.
1-1:20 p.m.: Trump commits eight more felonies during car ride over to Manhattan Criminal Court.
1:21 p.m.: Trump arrives at courthouse and, upon spotting TV cameras, does his signature moonwalk.
1:30 p.m.: Eric Trump seized by Child Protective Services.
2:01 p.m.: Manhattan district attorney Alvin Bragg realizes the Donald Trump he’s investigating is the same Donald Trump who served for four years as U.S. president.
3:47 p.m.: Motorcade spends 45 minutes slowly backing up after taking wrong turn on Canal St.
8 p.m.: Trump starts giving speech but abandons it a few lines in and starts punching photo of Alvin Bragg.