Exclusive Interview With Clarence Thomas

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The Onion: “According to a report from ProPublica—”

Clarence Thomas: “I deny sexually harassing any superyacht. Any superyacht that claims I rubbed my bare penis on its pool deck or groped its bridge is a lying whore.”

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The Onion: “Do you believe you’ve committed an ethics violation?”

Clarence Thomas: “I am guilty of nothing but modeling a healthy male friendship.”

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The Onion: “Members of Congress are prohibited from accepting any lobbyist gift valued at over $50. The trip you took with GOP megadonor Harlan Crow was worth $500,000. Any comment?”

Clarence Thomas: “You can’t put a price tag on fun.”

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The Onion: “Didn’t you realize all of this would leak?”

Clarence Thomas: “Of course I did. I just know that there’s no fucking chance I’ll ever face consequences for it.”

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The Onion: “Would you do it again?”

Clarence Thomas: “For those rambutan cocktails I had in Indonesia? I’d probably kill a man.”

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The Onion: “Don’t you worry you’re besmirching the reputation of the Supreme Court?”

Clarence Thomas: “I think Brown v. Board of Education already dragged this institution as far into the mud as it’s going to go.”

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The Onion: “We see that you have an oversized sun hat. Where are you heading after this interview?”

Clarence Thomas: “To my glamorous Jackson Hole cabin gifted to me by my close personal friend the Blackwater corporation.”

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The Onion: “The reports said the Republican donor took you to an exclusive men’s-only club called the Bohemian Grove in the Northern California mountains. What did you do there?”

Clarence Thomas: “Nothing special. We just did shrooms and fucked the skull of JFK’s corpse.”

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The Onion: “So, we have this crisp $100 bill, and— “

Clarence Thomas: “Give it to me, and I’ll vote however you want.”

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The Onion: “So, how was Indonesia?”

Clarence Thomas: “Honestly, kind of shitty compared to Epstein Island.”

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The Onion: “What would you say to all the people criticizing you for accepting these luxury trips?”

Clarence Thomas: “Haters are just jealous because I’m out here being a bad bitch and living my best life.”

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The Onion: “Are you more of a plan-oriented vacation guy or a relax type guy?”

Clarence Thomas: “I thought it was pretty obvious that I do whatever the person funding me tells me to do.”

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The Onion: “What kind of bathing suits do you and Ginni wear?”

Clarence Thomas: “We each occupy one end of a two-person waterproof horse costume.”

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The Onion: “How do you and the Republican donor meet?”

Clarence Thomas: “Oh, just like normal friends do. He sent me a diamond-encrusted gold watch with the words ‘abortion slayer’ on it, and we’ve been inseparable ever since.”

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The Onion: “What initially drew you to take a private megayacht around Indonesia?”

Clarence Thomas: “Frankly, as a vocal opponent of democracy, I was very drawn to the rich history of authoritarianism that gripped the country in the 1960s and culminated in the government killing 500,000 of its own people in concentration camps.”

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The Onion: “Do you have any recommendations for things to do in Indonesia?”

Clarence Thomas: “Check out the orangutan sanctuary if you have time.”

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The Onion: “What do you think of the Jan. 6 insurrection? And do you genuinely think you can be impartial given your wife’s political stances?”

Clarence Thomas: “Please, keep your voice down. Ginni bursts through walls if she’s within even three miles of someone saying the words ‘January 6th.’”

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The Onion: “Do you need the money? What’s the salary for a Supreme Court justice?”

Clarence Thomas: “$285,400 a year, plus commissions for each human right we overturn.”

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The Onion: “How did your wife Ginni feel about these vacations?”

Clarence Thomas: “Oh, she loved them. She really gets a kick out of going abroad and testing out different ways to be racist.”

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The Onion: “Anita Hill—”

Clarence Thomas: [Strangles us.]

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The Onion: “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Clarence Thomas: “If you were married to Ginni Thomas, you’d have to blow off steam somehow too.”

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The Onion: “What cases did this cause you to change your opinion on?”

Clarence Thomas: “I assert that I would have rendered the same insane verdicts with or without a $500,000 trip to Indonesia.”

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The Onion: “Why would you do this?”

Clarence Thomas: “I love fun in the sun! I fucking love it! I love Bahama mama days and bikini sunset nights. Tiki torches, frosty daiquiris, beach volleyball. More! More, goddamn it!”

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The Onion: “Don’t you think it’s unethical to accept gifts from political donors?”

Clarence Thomas: “Of course, which is why this wasn’t a gift, but payment for services rendered.”

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The Onion: “Do you think you should be held accountable for these ethics violations?”

Clarence Thomas: “Absolutely, and I will consult the authority that oversees me, which is me, on what consequences I should face, which I’ve decided are none.”

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The Onion: “How does it feel to know that you have indelibly damaged the credibility of the institutions of this country, in addition to the direct harm you’ve caused its citizens?”

Clarence Thomas: “You’re saying all of this like it wasn’t the whole point.”

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The Onion: “What do you think of the masseuses here?”

Clarence Thomas: “You know, I’ve always been a Majorca man, but maybe the Dubai massages are better after all. Y’all are paying, right?”

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The Onion: “Do you realize what this will do to people’s perception of the Supreme Court?”

Clarence Thomas: “If there are any fucking idiots out there still stupid enough to think the court is some preeminent gathering of nonpartisan legal experts and not just another gathering of highly educated wackjobs, do you really think this will change their mind?”

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The Onion: “Did you have a nice time?”

Clarence Thomas: “Yeah, but it’s good to be back home gutting human rights.”

Exclusive Interview With Clarence Thomas

The Supreme Court Justice Explains Why He Accepted Luxury Trips From A GOP Megadonor

The Onion: “According to a report from ProPublica—”

The Onion: “According to a report from ProPublica—”

The Onion: “Do you believe you’ve committed an ethics violation?”

The Onion: “Do you believe you’ve committed an ethics violation?”

The Onion: “Members of Congress are prohibited from accepting any lobbyist gift valued at over $50. The trip you took with GOP megadonor Harlan Crow was worth $500,000. Any comment?”

The Onion: “Members of Congress are prohibited from accepting any lobbyist gift valued at over $50. The trip you took with GOP megadonor Harlan Crow was worth $500,000. Any comment?”

The Onion: “Didn’t you realize all of this would leak?”

The Onion: “Didn’t you realize all of this would leak?”

The Onion: “Would you do it again?”

The Onion: “Would you do it again?”

The Onion: “Don’t you worry you’re besmirching the reputation of the Supreme Court?”

The Onion: “Don’t you worry you’re besmirching the reputation of the Supreme Court?”

The Onion: “We see that you have an oversized sun hat. Where are you heading after this interview?”

The Onion: “We see that you have an oversized sun hat. Where are you heading after this interview?”

The Onion: “The reports said the Republican donor took you to an exclusive men’s-only club called the Bohemian Grove in the Northern California mountains. What did you do there?”

The Onion: “The reports said the Republican donor took you to an exclusive men’s-only club called the Bohemian Grove in the Northern California mountains. What did you do there?”

The Onion: “So, we have this crisp $100 bill, and— “

The Onion: “So, we have this crisp $100 bill, and— “

The Onion: “So, how was Indonesia?”

The Onion: “So, how was Indonesia?”

The Onion: “What would you say to all the people criticizing you for accepting these luxury trips?”

The Onion: “What would you say to all the people criticizing you for accepting these luxury trips?”

The Onion: “Are you more of a plan-oriented vacation guy or a relax type guy?”

The Onion: “Are you more of a plan-oriented vacation guy or a relax type guy?”

The Onion: “What kind of bathing suits do you and Ginni wear?”

The Onion: “What kind of bathing suits do you and Ginni wear?”

The Onion: “How do you and the Republican donor meet?”

The Onion: “How do you and the Republican donor meet?”

The Onion: “What initially drew you to take a private megayacht around Indonesia?”

The Onion: “What initially drew you to take a private megayacht around Indonesia?”

The Onion: “Do you have any recommendations for things to do in Indonesia?”

The Onion: “Do you have any recommendations for things to do in Indonesia?”

The Onion: “What do you think of the Jan. 6 insurrection? And do you genuinely think you can be impartial given your wife’s political stances?”

The Onion: “What do you think of the Jan. 6 insurrection? And do you genuinely think you can be impartial given your wife’s political stances?”

The Onion: “Do you need the money? What’s the salary for a Supreme Court justice?”

The Onion: “Do you need the money? What’s the salary for a Supreme Court justice?”

The Onion: “How did your wife Ginni feel about these vacations?”

The Onion: “How did your wife Ginni feel about these vacations?”

The Onion: “Anita Hill—”

The Onion: “Anita Hill—”

The Onion: “What do you have to say for yourself?”

The Onion: “What do you have to say for yourself?”

The Onion: “What cases did this cause you to change your opinion on?”

The Onion: “What cases did this cause you to change your opinion on?”

The Onion: “Why would you do this?”

The Onion: “Why would you do this?”

The Onion: “Don’t you think it’s unethical to accept gifts from political donors?”

The Onion: “Don’t you think it’s unethical to accept gifts from political donors?”

The Onion: “Do you think you should be held accountable for these ethics violations?”

The Onion: “Do you think you should be held accountable for these ethics violations?”

The Onion: “How does it feel to know that you have indelibly damaged the credibility of the institutions of this country, in addition to the direct harm you’ve caused its citizens?”

The Onion: “How does it feel to know that you have indelibly damaged the credibility of the institutions of this country, in addition to the direct harm you’ve caused its citizens?”

The Onion: “What do you think of the masseuses here?”

The Onion: “What do you think of the masseuses here?”

The Onion: “Do you realize what this will do to people’s perception of the Supreme Court?”

The Onion: “Do you realize what this will do to people’s perception of the Supreme Court?”

The Onion: “Did you have a nice time?”

The Onion: “Did you have a nice time?”